journal

i tried 7oh for the second time today. this time was great! no significant stimulant effects, sadly. i took 6mg of an unflavored tab around 3:30pm. about 30 minutes later, i started to feel physical arousal. my muscles relaxed, my eyelids drooped, and i noticed my pupils starting to constrict. i was laying in bed, idly scrolling and chatting on the phone with my partner. my speech and thought processing felt delayed. muscle twitches every now and then.

i noticed i was able to better tolerate sensory input that i normally wouldn't (like walking on the floor with no socks or slippers). the stale alcohol taste of the tab didn't bother me too much (i have ARFID so i'm overly reactive to bad tastes/textures). eventually the arousal became so great that i couldn't ignore it anymore lol... i got myself off and came my brains out. it felt amazing. drugs and sex are always a great combo. i can't wait to see andrew again... i spent the night at his place a few weeks back and we finally fucked.

we've had plenty of fun before but since we both live with our parents, we haven't been able to spend a proper night in bed together. i drive a sedan, so, in theory we could've fucked in the back seat, but he's 6'1" and the front seats don't recline so it's not very comfortable. he drives a 2-door sports car so there's absolutely no way anything's gonna happen in there.

anyway. i took another 6mg sublingually i think 30 minutes ago or so? still no stim effects but i'm up, coding and writing this journal entry so i think i'm on my way there!!! let's get this tolerance up so i can go out and club on 7!

good fucking lord. thank god i started this blog because i can't tell a single soul about what just happened. i didn't do anything horrible but it's something that seems so "out of character" for me that i can't bring myself to talk to my friends about it.

last night i got a small batch of 7 tabs that are supposed to be energizing. i got home around 8pm or so. 7 has been nothing but sedating for me so i figured, what the hell. let's pop one and if it's not energizing then i'll just go to sleep. so i popped half and at first i got the usual brain fog and pleasant dizziness i was expecting. but that subsided after 30 minutes and gradually my body became light and full of energy. not to the point of tweaking or anything but i couldn't sleep and spent some time crafting and chilling in my room.

around 10pm i figured it was time to go to bed because i have work the next day. so i popped half a pure 7oh tab (the energizing tabs are half 7oh and half MIT, with MIT being the energizing stuff) and nodded off in bed.

this probably goes without saying but my body is profoundly broken. i have meds i need to take in the morning and the evening. i have an alarm set for the morning meds since i have a hard time waking up even when i'm completely sober. i woke up at 6 or 7am and took my morning meds. i could use some of that MIT energy for work, i thought. so i took half a tab and fucked off back to bed.

i woke up and did my usual morning routine. my vision was hazy and i was unsteady, swaying on my feet. my ears rang, my speech was slurred and my pupils were itty bitty pinpricks in the center of my eyes. a 7 high has only lasted me 1 waking hour. usually i'd sleep for 2 hours after that and wake up sober. i didn't have to leave for work til 11am so i wasn't worried.

the hours ticked by. it was now 11ー time to drive to work. this is when i started to panic a bit. the high hadn't subsided at all. maybe it burns out quicker during sleep but i hadn't slept because i didn't wanna risk oversleeping and being late to work. my boss is strict about calling out so that wasn't an option either. i had to go to work.

there's no public transit in my shit province and i live with family, so taking a rideshare with a perfectly working car would have aroused suspicion. i've never driven buzzed before, let alone high.

to make matters worse, it was pouring outside. the people in my town are already bad drivers but the rain makes everyone on the road 10 times more retarded. i was shitting bricks the whole way there... but i managed, somehow. my legs were shaking until i crept into the employee lot and threw the car in park.

no change in how i was feeling at this point. i flipped up the sunglass mirror and my pupils were still pinned. i was definitely still high. my words came out slow, raspy and disjointed. i couldn't keep my eyes open so i overcompensated by widening them like an owl whenever i felt my eyelids drooping (this probably had the opposite effect and made it look like i was tweaking, oh my god...). i couldn't think in a straight line to save my life.

eventually i came back up after a few hours on the clock. nobody said anything and i actually got used to the feeling and got into a comfortable groove. before i came up, my muscles and general posture was relaxed. no aches or pains at all. so that was cool. but christ, i will NEVER do that again. what a mess.

there have been some strange happenings as of late...

context: during the summer of 2024, i became online friends with a man named saar. we met in a chat room (somewhere i shouldn't have been but turned to out of frustration before i decided to put all my shit in a journal). we got to talking and didn't have much in common. he's the head of some firm in canada. idk the details. he'd flex his cars and watches and suits, which seemed to back up his story, but his dayjob and finances aren't what drew me to him.

we exchanged contact info outside of the chat room and eventually became friends. we had nothing in common but we talked all the time, from waking to sleep. we both stayed up hours past midnight during the work week. asking questions about each other, finding surprising synchronicities despite our backgrounds.

i'm working class, an office nine-to-fiver. he's upper class, a whenever he wants work-from-homer. he's cisgender and straight. i'm transmasc, fluid and bisexual. he's in his late 30s, i'm in my early 20s. he likes flashy cars and designer clothesー i'm impartial to streetwear and gothic brands, but i like the metro just fine.

i'm in the US, he's in canada. the timezone differences made things tricky, but he made time for me.

things came to a head one night when... well, despite my being in a committed relationship and his marriage, he came onto me.

i'm an adult. i'm fully to blame for my actions. cheating is wrong and i know my partner would be devastated if they found out.

the rational part of me knows this. the monogamist in me fully believes in this. but i still did something i shouldn't have.

he's gorgeous. seriously. he's toned, with thick dark hair, tan skin and the cutest dimples when he smiles. his cheeks are a little pockmarked so he masks it with stubble, but i think it's adorable. i'd never tell him that thoughー he's awfully self conscious, though i can't imagine why.

anyway.. it happened over the phone. then over video once we were more comfortable with each other. i could not believe i wasn't being catfished. what in the world would a wealthy cishet man want with me?

_{and yes, if you're wondering, it's big. honestly it's intimidating. where am i meant to put that thing?!}

anyhow. from there spiraled our foray into an affair. we texted daily. he started to spoil me. he asked if he could call me his princess and i foolishly consented. he'd praise me for sharing photos (both savory and unsavory) of myself, for letting him know when i'd be away, for keeping him updated on the little things i was doing. i once half-heartedly mentioned that his praise was making me feel special.

to which he replied, "you are special."